Alpine On Crack
by Ane Hoshi
Summary: This doesn't actually have much to do with FY, although Tamahome shows up. This is mostly an excuse to put a school trip on crack and amuse myself. If u've read Clefster1's The Dramatic Production, you get the drift. ^_^


It was a peaceful, quiet morning. The sun was rising and the birds were chirping. Dogs with poor bladder control were barking to be let out. Suddenly out of nowhere the silence was broken as four buses with the titles of certain private schools descended from the sky and masses of teenagers suddenly rushed forth from nowhere with overmuch baggage. A perverted man who taught lewd English classes was herding people around with the help of his new girlfriend, a woman from Australia who had been kidnapped by aborigines. He liked to talk about that.   
  
"I want to chase after anime characters who have leapt into reality!" screamed the narrator to a boy in a hat that said "Jacky" on it in white lace. He just hugged his girlfriend and ate a moon pie. "Is there a well at this Alpine place?" asked the narrator to no one in particular.  
  
"No!" screamed Tamahome no Miko, thinking the narrator had gone into her torment mode. "I AM NOT A WELL OR WILL WENCH!" she cried, blushing profusely. Everyone shut up about wenches for the time being so that they could sing country songs even if no one really liked country music.   
  
Every one went out onto a big field and the Australian woman gave a long narration of her hardships in the outback with the aborigines. She ended by describing her encounter with a horny old rancher named Mic and his wench Donna. Apparently things got kinda kinky with the three of them in a stable created by Makona.  
  
The boy in a Jacky hat went off with his girlfriend to have a picnic in the forest because they tired of the strange woman. The boy used his shirt as a picnic cloth and then served his girlfriend (hence forth known as Peach) strawberries and cream. They talked about their political views and wondered why the narrator was forcing them into this embarrassing situation. The boy ate yet another moon pie and dropped the wrapper on the ground. Bambi, Duke of Ocean, got very pissed and attacked the couple with his armies of small furry rodents.   
  
Meanwhile: "OH MY GOD! TAMAHOME! TAMAHOME!" the narrator screamed. "IT'S A GIANT SNAKE!" the narrator felt herself being pulled under the water, but she bobbed back up as Tamahome got medieval on the log's-er- the snake's ass.   
  
"It was just a log Ane!" said Tamahome, greatly annoyed. "How are we going to get to shore now?" the green haired man asked again as he tread water. The two had their problem solved when a girl with a very Nordic name paddled a canoe up to them and helped them hop in. They rowed down the river and Kjersti (the artist formerly known as the girl with a very Nordic name) belted into a grand rendition of "Just Around The River Bend", which if you don't know is a song from a movie made by an evil corporation feeding on the dreams and hopes of young children and forcing them into a standardized mind-set.   
  
The wonderful song was interrupted when a boy who's name sounds like a type of round bread with a hole in the middle known by some as a bagel came swinging down in a Tarzan-esc loincloth on a zip line. He bashed into the canoe and it began to sink. Kjersti and Bagel swam to shore easily, but your loving narrator and Tamahome couldn't.  
  
"I don't know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star- er…um…Alpine Line about all this." Said Tamahome, pushing the narrator up on some flotsam, although it is doubtful a canoe would create much flotsam. One of the sluts in a bikini suitable only on Spanish soap operas turned on a boom box to play Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On".   
  
"I love you Tamahome. Well, actually I don't, because you belong to the Tamahome no Miko, but lets just say I think you are damn sexy boy!"  
  
"No…don't say your good-byes Ane. Don't you give up. Don't do it."  
  
"I'm so cold." Chattered Ane, looking into Tamahome's eyes as she lay on the flotsam.  
  
"You're going to get out of this. You're going to go on and you're going to make babies and watch them grown and you're going to die and old lady, warm in your bed. Not here. Not this night. Do you understand me?" Tamahome took hold of Ane's blue hands.  
  
"It's day, not night silly. Anyway, I can't feel my body."  
  
"Your not even in the water you little ingrate! Ane, listen to me. Listen. Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you. And I'm thankful Ane. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor…promise me you will survive… that you will never give up…no matter what happens…no matter how hopeless. Promise me now and never let go of that promise."   
  
"I promise. But you never won any ticket Tamahome."  
  
"Never let go."   
  
"I promise. I will never let go Jack. I'll never let go." Ane gripped Tamahome's hand again and they lay with their heads together while a very annoyed Kjerstie shot Tamahome with a tranquilizer dart in the butt.  
  
Later… "Tamahome." Ane slowly realized that he had a dart in his butt. "Oh Tamahome." Ane broke the frost connecting her hand to Tamahome's, although it was almost ninty degrees and it would be very hard to create any frost. "I won't let go. I promise." Ane let go of Tamahome as some slut dragged him off to the sunny dock to try and wake him up. Your narrator swam back to shore and went to go have a snack and see what her friends had been up to.  
  
"Hi guys!" said Dailey as she rubbed one of the cuts on her leg with bear grease like the Australian woman had told her to. She was sitting under a spreading elm tree as her boyfriend tried to repair his Jacky hat. "We were having a picnic in the woods and then all of a sudden we were attacked by many small furry rodents."  
  
"How tragic." Sighed Tamahome no Miko, clutching the arm of that boy named Bagel, who was still in his leopard print loincloth. The silence was interrupted as a figure came running out of the spreading elm tree. She was scantily dressed in animal skins and her dark brown hair flowed to her knees. She was screaming like Xena.   
  
"RASTA BANANA!" the woman cried as she leapt from the tree.   
  
The narrator flashed a peace sign. "That's me!" the narrator said. "Um…Ju-chan…why are you scantily clad in animal skins?"  
  
"I don't know! You're the one coming up with all of this!"  
  
It was time for the next activity. Bagel stood on a telephone pole randomly and then challenged Ju-chan to a duel. Every one walked off while they had their little Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon duel. The narrator was flinging herself off of a small platform 40 feet up in the air and swinging on a cable while screaming "I AM SUZAKU!" Suddenly TnM ran off to where the duel was commencing.   
  
"BAGEL MY LOVE!" she cried. He was hopelessly surrounded by small furry rodents and they were nibbling on his toes.   
  
"This really hurts! I'm going to blame it on the narrator." Yours truly flashes another peace sign.  
  
"The violence in the forest created unrest with the many small furry rodents and now they are making Bagel pay for his crimes." Said Ju-chan sadly. Suddenly she perked up. "But I guess I get to have to Rose Bride now that he lost the dule! Rose Bride? Oh Rose Bride..." as the woman called for the Rose Bride to appear, a lady parachuted from the sky while singing Lady Marmalade and French rap.  
  
"Hi! I'm Suz-e. When I'm happy I giggle. When I'm sad I giggle. And when I think of Nakago eating large amounts of grape bubble gum and moo goo gai pan, I giggle." The French parachutist smiled.   
  
"I remember you! You were that palace hussy who didn't want a night out on the town with Camelot's sexiest dragon!" cried Ju-chan as she adjusted her jaguar skin halter-top. "Well now I'm a lady of the jungle and no one can stop me!"   
  
"From what?" asked the French lady, cocking her head.  
  
"Reading my monolog!" cried Ju-chan. Every one turned around and ran off, even Bagel, though he did leave a trail of small rodents running after him.   
  
It was time for the dance and your narrator was bouncing off the walls because she was so fantastically happy she actually LIKED someone. But suddenly, Emma ran off to go strangle herself on her coat because she couldn't imagine life without Bagel, who was being slowly eaten by the small furry rodents. Every one cried a lot, including the Australian lady. Then she got over it and started talking about when she had to eat small furry desert rodents in Australia.   
  
At that moment, the French prostitute who had earlier parachuted from the sky came running up. "I have a letter from end of the world!" she said happily.   
  
"What's it say?" asked the boy in a Jacky hat.  
  
"The true rose bride-" here the lady glared at Ju-chan, who had mistaken her for the Rose Bride, "Is coming to bring the end of the world!"  
  
And suddenly Legacy Lost descended from the heavens and everyone was so shocked at the radiance of this -cough- heavenly figure that they all died.   
  
THE END  



End file.
